Thank you.

Dear Marlie,

Nearly six years ago, I became your father. When I found out you were coming, I simply wasn't ready. I was in a time of my life where I was lost. Confused. Broken. But I had a nervous excitement that you were on your way. It's difficult to explain how incapable I felt. The devil was telling me I wasn't worthy. And going through some of the roughest times of my life, I was insecure, vulnerable and, at times, I listened. The devil knows when to strike. And he was pounding me with doubt.

Then I held you for the first time on December 16, 2010. I anticipated that once you were in my arms, there would be this feeling of euphoric clarity that would come over me, but it didn't. Here I was holding the little girl that would need me more than anyone else in the world ever would. How would I ever find my way to being the father you deserved? All I wanted was to be the best man you would ever know. That's all.

Although that day didn't go the way I always imagined...it was the day that would change the rest of my life.

The beginning wasn't easy. But I loved you and I did everything in my power to see you as much as I could and spoil you with love and happiness. We found our way though, honey. We really did.

When I first started this blog, it was my way of speaking to you when I didn't see you. There were nights that I would lay in my bed, heartbroken because I hadn't been able to see your face, or hear your voice. I needed a way to talk to you and this blog served that purpose. As time has gone on, I've gotten you more and more and now, our address is your home and we've settled in to a stable, loving life filled with fun and covered in joy. This is why I stopped blogging-because I wanted to honor it's original purpose and not just change it into an album of memories because you are with us all of the time now. This blog is rooted in a pain no man should ever have to endure-the pain of having to fight to see his baby. Looking back though, that pain was all part of the Perfect Plan.

I am writing you tonight to catch you up and because tomorrow is a very, very big day.

Since the last time I wrote you, your little brother Judah has joined our family. You love him so much. And he loves you, too. Sometimes when you leave, he cries because he misses you. And often times when he wakes up, his first words are, "Where's sissy?"...even and especially if you aren't with us. You are the best big sister. Caring, fun, loving, protective. It amazes me the way you care for him at such a young age and nothing else brings me more joy than witnessing it. You two really are best friends. Your mom and I couldn't be more blessed.

We've also moved into a new home where you have a movie theater. We watch a movie nearly every night before you go to sleep and you always request popcorn (I gladly oblige). You and Judah boy also have your own play room where most of your toys are. The house has a big back yard that will have a pool in it and you have so many friends in the neighborhood. You play soccer and golf and take dance and piano lessons. Your favorite food is mac and cheese and you have a sweet tooth. You are so a girly girl (always wanting to wear dresses) and you love Taylor Swift, and "Jesus songs".

You and I are connected at the hip. Wherever I am, you want to be, too and you insist that I put you to sleep. When it's time for night night, your lights have to be a certain way and your worship music has to be on. And once we are settled in, we say the same prayer every night. When we are done and I say "amen", you turn to give me a kiss. Then you grab my shirt to make sure I don't sneak off. I know it's okay to go when you begin to let go. That means you have fallen asleep. If I move before you are asleep, you always say, "one more minute, daddy?" And I lay there until you are dreaming.

I never knew a love like ours existed. It's special. It's ours.

And this brings me to what prompted me to write you tonight. Tomorrow is a very big day in your life. You start kindergarten. I never thought I would have this hard of a time with it, but it's been rough on your old man. Tonight after I prayed, I held you and just let myself tear a bit. You didn't know I was crying at all (you were too excited about the magic confetti that we just put under your pillow. It helps you fall asleep and wake up ready) and I didn't want you to. Even when I pretend cry you can't handle it. And I don't want you to worry that tomorrow is anything other than a wonderful day. Because it is.

So, tomorrow your mommy is coming to our house to have donuts and then all of us are going to take you to your first day of real school. We will be introducing you to a new world and I feel so good about the girl you are heading into it. You are confident, smart, loving, kind, and you are a leader. It amazes me how gentle, but together you are. It's a beautiful thing. And it makes me proud.

Tomorrow begins the path of a life outside of me. Part of me is terrified, but I know this is all part of leading you as you grow up. For a daddy that wants nothing more than to protect you from anything that can hurt you, I will watch you walk into Light Farms Elementary knowing that your feelings will eventually be hurt. You will begin a life that guarantees that you will experience doubt and pain and confusion and betrayal and a whole host of other painful things. But, do you know what? You will also experience joy and happiness and accomplishment and an even longer list of things that are wonderful. The father in me, however, hates the thought that I can no longer protect you from everything. But I also know that you are built to be great, Marlie and as we continue to grow together, you will be more than fine. You will be a powerful gal in the world that has the ability to change it.

I'll cry tomorrow, too. And I'll anxiously await your phone call after school so you can tell me how much fun you had. I want you to one day read this blog and understand something....

I love you, Marlie girl. More than you will ever know. You have brought me so much joy and I think you are just the perfect little girl. I can't believe God chose us for each other. Can you believe it? Of all of the people that could have been your daddy, he chose me. And that's something I will never take for granted. I owe you the world, Marlie. So, I am going to continue to work hard at being the best father and leader I can be because I want to give you the world. I want you to know that I will always be the man you need and deserve me to be. And when life is hurting you, you can always come to the arms of the man that never will. Your laugh, your hugs, your kisses, the way you grip onto me when you have missed me...these are the things for which I live. Not money. Not fame. Nothing other than the love of our family.

Thank you, Marlie. For being so incredible. And before you step foot into the world before you tomorrow...thank you for saving my life by changing my life. You, my little girl, are my everything. And I hope that one day you are as proud of me as I am of you.

Have a great first day of school tomorrow. I love you from here to Pluto, honey.

Love,
Daddy

It will remain the same

Dear Marlie,

Hey you. We are fresh off of a weekend with family. Your Aunt Clerisa, Uncle Daniel and cousin Jayden all came to spend the weekend with us. We had so much fun! We went to the Arboretum where you and Jayden played in the water. We went to Klyde Warren and ran around and ate snow cones (your favorite) and we went swimming which you also love to do. You laughed and ran and played. It was just so much fun. And your family loves you so much. Luckily, they will be here again next month!

Why are they coming? Well, my dear...you will soon be a big sister. Your little brother Judah is in Mom's tummy and you know it well. You told me the other day that when he gets here you two are going to watch Mickey and play together all of the time. You are already so excited and I just know you are going to be such a wonderful sister. You have shown to be the kindest, most loving little girl and it makes me so proud. Your heart is as sweet as can be and it brings me to tears thinking about it.

You know, for over three years now, you have been our only child. We always knew we wanted to have another one. Now that Judah is on the way, well, it is really important to me that you understand that in the upcoming months and years, a lot will change. You will share Mom and Dad and we will have more to think of than just you. But I want you to understand, little one...we aren't dividing the love of our family. We are multiplying it. And although plenty will change, our love for you, it will remain the same. Forever.

Marlie, you have taught me so much about myself, about love, about life. I have had some wonderful teachers in my life and outside of Jesus, you have taught me more than anyone without even knowing it. Isn't that something? You taught me about God, about love, about patience, about kindness, about selflessness and so, so much more. Before you got here, I am not sure I knew what love was. And now, having been so fortunate to be your father, I get it. You have given me focus, purpose and most of all, an incredibly full heart. As a parent, it's interesting that we take care of you in every aspect of your life. But, my girl, I am here to tell you that you have done more for me than I will ever be able to return.

So, here comes another one. A brother that will annoy you, frustrate you, make you angry. And he will also love you and protect you and teach you much the same way you have taught me. And it is of the utmost importance to me that you understand this:

You are my baby.

There will never be another you.

You will always be my baby.

And I will always be your daddy.

Thank you, Marlie Grace, for being the most perfect daughter I could ever hope for. I can't wait to see you in your role as a big sis. You are going to be most impressive. Of this, I am sure.

Here is to the new chapter. I love you Marlie. From here to Pluto.

Love,
Daddy

The rest of my life

Dear Marlie,


Hey, you :) It's been so long since I have written you! Life seems to continue to get faster and I am not so sure I like it. You are growing like a weed. You are 3 years old now and it's just hard to understand how so much time has passed since you were born. I find myself looking at pictures and watching videos of when you were younger and I can't help but cry a little. When I look back, I feel this great peace knowing where God has brought us. I am getting emotional thinking about it as I type. It, our story, is just, well, special.

Ok, so....BIG news! You are going to be a BIG sister! As you like to say, "Mom has a baby in her belly!" We are so excited that you will be having a little brother, or a little sister. You are going to be so wonderful at it. We are trying to teach you that not everyone has a baby in their belly though. We were eating at our regular hibachi restaurant not long ago and you pointed at a lady at our table who was a bit overweight and you said, "Look! She has a baby in her belly, too!" Fortunately she didn't hear you. We would have been embarrassed and more importantly, she would have been hurt :( The things that come from your mouth sometimes....

This past weekend we went to Mom's hometown to see family and celebrate Ashley's birthday. Nessa and Jordan's new daughter Sutton was there with them and I got to hold her a while as she slept. I found myself getting lost in the moment. You see, when you were a baby, I didn't get to hold you while you slept nearly as much as I wanted and when I was holding Sutton, I couldn't help but think back on all of the times I was at my apartment missing you. I remember the very first night you spent with me. As you slept in the crib in our little one bedroom apartment, I just cried tears of joy. I was so happy to have you home with me. I was so happy to be able to pray over you and tuck you in for bed. I was so happy that I sat back, in the peace and quiet, and just let myself cry. My heart had been wrecked in the previous months, but in that moment I knew that God was preparing us for our restoration and a beautiful future together.


I am so proud of you, Marlie. I am so proud of us. I am proud of the family we are, the love we share, the relationships we have with one another. And you are just the smartest, sweetest and still the happiest little girl in the world. You are kind and hysterically funny. I could have never imagined having so much love in my heart for you, little one. Thank you for changing my life, Marlie girl. I owe my life to you and I will forever work to make sure you know how much you are loved and I strive to make you proud that I am your daddy.


Anyway, I thought I would just swing through and write since it had been a while. We will see you this weekend for Easter. Miss you tons. I love you Marlie. From here to Pluto.


Love,
Daddy

Hello there, little pretty.

Dear Marlie,

It has been nearly a year since I last wrote you on this blog. And so much has happened since then. I think about you all of the time and today is no different. So, I decided to write you on our blog.

Where do I even begin? It has been a wonderful year for us and our family. Crystal, Chloe and I get to see you ALL of the time now and that makes ALL of us REALLY happy. There is nothing, and I mean nothing that I love more than when all of us are together and we are so blessed that it happens more often now. There for a little while I had to wait a bit longer before I saw your face because mommy's friends and daddy's friends had to come to some agreements. Thankfully, that is all behind us and we get to be with you so, so much.

A lot has changed over the last year. But one thing that hasn't changed is that you are such a happy little girl. From the moment you wake up (you are a morning person like Daddy) to the time we lay you down for sleep, you are smiling and laughing and singing and dancing. You have such a wonderful personality (you get that from Daddy, too ;) and are so outgoing. In fact, one of the first things your teacher at your new school said about you was, "She is not shy." No, ma'am. She sure isn't. And I think that is wonderful.

A couple of weeks ago, your mommy and I went to a meeting with your teacher where they evaluated your progress in the classroom. You are progressing wonderfully (you just have a hard time focusing on one thing for too long, but, hello....you are my daughter). But, Marlie girl, throughout your entire life you are going to be evaluated on things that have nothing to do with the classroom. You are going to be sized up, judged, criticized and more and, well, that's just life. As tough as it is for me to fathom, you are going to go through times when people are going to make you feel small. They are going to make you question your own value and intelligence and beauty...and what I fear most...they may make you forget that you are a child of God before you are even a child of ours.

But I won't let you forget long.

You are brilliant.
You are beautiful.
You are charismatic.
You are kind.
And, yes. Most importantly, you are God's child. And, sweetie, that is all...ALL that will ever matter. I won't ever let you think otherwise.

I was taking you to school this morning and, like you often do, you demanded that I put what you call "Don't Worry" on the radio (Three Little Birds is what you will eventually know the song as). Some times you would sing along and sometimes I would catch you just staring out the back window (you insisted we play it 4 times), seemingly lost in thought as the bright morning sun was shining upon your face. I wonder what you think about in those times. And it's in those times that I get lost in thought about how in love with you I am and how proud and thankful I am that you are my little girl.

Jesus chose me to be your daddy. He chose me. Of ALL of the other daddy's that he could have blessed, he blessed me with you. I am not certain you will ever understand how that makes me feel. Moves me to tears just to think of it.

Marlie, thank you so much for being you. Thank you so much for loving me and bringing so much joy to mine and Crystal's life. I've said it before, it wasn't until you came that I understood Jesus' love for me. And for that, I am forever indebted.

Anyway, I will see you again on Monday. You AND Crystal left me this weekend, so it's just me and Chloe. We will miss you until then, daughter. And I hope you had just a fabulous day at school.

I love you, Marlie. From here to Pluto.

Love,
Daddy

You're TWO!

Dear Marlie,

Night has come and I just put you to sleep. Every night you are with us I still take you up to your room when it is time for "night night", I pray to Jesus thanking him that we have each other, and I sing you our song.  It never gets old and I honestly do not look forward to the day coming that I no longer need to do it.

But that day is coming faster than I could ever imagine and certainly faster than I'd like. Today was your 2nd birthday, daughter. It was two whole years ago that I held you for the first time. It's all going by so fast and sometimes I just want time to stop so I can spend more time with you just the way you are. It seems like only a blink of an eye ago that you were having "tummy time", or we were excited that you took your first steps, or that you were eating baby food. You are growing so quickly and as bad as I want it to slow down, it is a thrill to watch.

Now you are running around and laughing all the time. You remain one of the happiest children I have ever seen and that makes my heart smile. You say really cute things like "I love you" even though it comes out "Lud ooh". In fact, I will never forget the first time that you told me that you loved me without me saying it to you first. You were on my lap and said, "Lud ooh, Daddy" and then you reached over to give me a kiss. Right after, you just hopped off of my leg and ran off to play. It is amazing to me how you won't ever understand how special that was to me until you have a child of your own. But, Marlie, it was one of the greatest things I have ever experienced and I will never forget it. Ever.

You say "bless you" when I sneeze and you have even said it to Chloe when she sneezed before. We make you say "hibachi" real fast because you sound like a little ninja. You call Chloe "Ko Ko" and you call Crystal "Kreethu". You say "EAT" ALL of the time and tonight when we left the restaurant we went to for dinner, you turned around and said, "bye bye, Eat!". You tell everything and everyone "bye bye". You tell Chloe bye when we leave the house. You tell waitresses bye when we leave a restaurant. You even tell the bathtub bye when we take you out. You like saying bye to everything and I adore it.

So, today we had your 2nd birthday party. You LOVE a cartoon named "Olivia" that you cal "Lia" and Crystal worked so hard to have her at your party! We had Olivia cut outs, Olivia hats, Olivia cake, and more. Crystal worked and worked and worked to create the perfect party for you, Mar. She loves you so much. And you love her right back. She took some pictures at your party and even shot some video. Here are some of them:

This is you and Olivia. You are besties and you are even dressed just like her!

There were many nights when Daddy went to sleep and Crystal STILL stayed up late making sure that she made everything JUST right so that you could have the PERFECT Olivia birthday!

This was your Olivia cake. She was everywhere!

You and Faith are best friends. Faith loves you so much! The two of you get really excited when you get to see one another. Crystal made you and your friends Olivia ears and you and Faith were sweet enough to take some pictures in them for us!

And of course your Nana loves you. She is one of your favorite people, too!

Here you are with your Nana and Uncle Chad!

You and Faith have a new friend! Her name is Delaney and she loves Chloe almost as much as you do!

Here we are opening a few of your presents. You say "OOOOOOHHHH" when you get excited :)

And here is some video of the day!

Marlie girl, I am so proud of you. You are just a beautiful, charismatic, well behaved little angel and I couldn't be any happier that you are mine. Today was a great day as we were surrounded by so many people that love you. They all took the time to come be with you today and they spent their hard earned money buying you gifts. One day you will understand just how special that is.

Well, there is so much to tell you. 2012 had it's challenges for us, but it has been by and far that greatest year of our lives. We have so much to be thankful for and even if the year didn't go quite as well, we would still have each other. Over the next few weeks I will catch you up on our new home, how Crystal is now one of your mommies, too, and how we are now able to spend so much more time together thanks to Daddy's friends. I am so excited to spend Christmas with you in a couple of weeks and I can't wait to see what 2013 has in store for our little family.

Well, I am off to bed for the night. I always am so happy to know that when I wake up, you will be upstairs waiting for me to come get you. So, until the morning, happy birthday, little one. You were magnificent today. I love you-from here to Pluto.

Love, Daddy

A Weekend With Family

Dear Marlie,

What a fun weekend this weekend was! I picked you up from Maryam on Friday and from there we met your Uncle Kevin and Auntie Dhustie at the driving range. You were having so much fun just picking the golf balls up and putting them in the basket. You were a really good little girl! I don't know too many 1 year olds that could go to the driving range and behave as well as you did. You made me super proud. Crystal met us at the range and as soon as you saw her you pointed at her and started running to her. You love her so much and the best part is she loves you tons, too :) After the driving range we all went to our place and grilled out a bit. It was a great afternoon and evening.

Yesterday we got up and met Unlce Kev, Auntie Dhustie, Auntie Sonya, Auntie Sonya's friend Darien, Uncle Richard, and Nana at an Easter festival. And guess who came?! Your best friend Faith came, too! Y'all hugged and hung out and we had a great time as a family there. Here are some pics

Your face is so awesome in this pic!

You smile more than any baby I know!

Your Nana loves  you!

All we are missing is Chloe :)

Here is your Nana, your Daddy, and your ninos!

Us. :)

After the festival we all went back to our place again and grilled some hamburgers.  You and Faith were running around everywhere having fun together when you weren't trying to steal her grilled corn.  Hey, I understand! It was good!

And today you got to go to Daddy's soccer game with us. You were such a trooper today and you had a lot of fun with Crystal while daddy played his game. I loved having you there! You and Crystal went to the playground because you got bored and cranky. Crystal got some video of you on the swing!



What a great weekend we had with you.  When the day was over, we gave you a bath and got you ready for bed because it was a long day for you. Your mom told me a few months ago that I don't have to "put" you to sleep anymore. She said that I can just put you in your crib and you will talk yourself to sleep. But I still put you down every night you are with me. As soon as we get in your room I turn off the lights and you lay your head on my shoulder. I always whisper a prayer with you that goes, "Dear, Lord. Thank you for the time we got to share together today. Thank You for letting me be Marlie's Daddy and for letting her be my daughter. We know that You could have given us anyone else, but You chose to give us to each other and we are so thankful. We thank You for Your love and we know that You are God. Please keep us healthy and whatever life brings to us, please never leave us. We will never leave each other and we will never leave You. We love You, Jesus. Amen."

When we finish the prayer, I sing "Three Little Birds"by Bob Marley to you. That will always be our song. I will never forget the first time you were screaming and I picked you up and rocked you to sleep. This song was playing and I was singing it to you and it has been our song since. You know, I know that I don't necessarily have to put you to sleep. But it's in those few moments that I feel like we get to just be Daddy and daughter. I get to hold you in the dark while you rest your head on my shoulder and I get to look at you while you try to keep your eyes open. Some day I won't be able to do that anymore and I will greatly miss it. I put you to sleep when I have you because I feel like in some way I am making up for all of the nights that I lost. It makes me sad that isn't really the case. I won't ever be able to get those nights back. But what I can do is make sure every time I have you I hold you like never before. And, daughter, I promise I will do that forever.

Well I still have a lot to catch you up on and I will soon. You are in your bedroom right now and I am glad I get to wake up and kiss you bye. I'll see you in the morning, honey. Until then, I love you from here to Pluto.

Love,

Daddy



So Much to Show You!

Dear Marlie,

It has been months and months since I last wrote you and so much has happened since then!  Over the next couple of weeks I will be catching you up on the end of last year as some really special things happened in our lives.  We celebrated your first birthday, we had a GREAT Christmas together, daddy and Crystal got engaged, and SO much more.  I am going to start by telling you about this weekend though because it was super, super special.

This weekend was our weekend with you and we always have a lot of fun.  You are still a very happy baby and it's adorable to see your personality shine.  You like to laugh and are always smiling and, my dear, you love to eat.  You and Chloe are best friends and there are times that you love Crystal more than you love me.  But, hey. It's okay ;)  Here are some of the pics from this weekend!

We took you to see Chloe's friends, the horses.  You didn't flinch at all and we had a blast!

This is Chloe waiting on her friends

You looked really confused near the horses, but after some time, you were even feeding them yourself.  Maybe it's because you realized that they just look like big Chloes?

And before I post this video, I have to tell you that you started walking not long ago.  I'll never forget it.  Literally days prior you would stand up and as much as we tried to get you to walk, you would just fall on your bottom and crawl.  Then out of nowhere, you were walking all over the place and you loved it.  It was something else.  I was in daddy's bedroom and Crystal was in the living room.  She called you to her and you just set out on your own.  Such a big girl.  So independent.  Watching you walk to Crystal literally took my breath away and I couldn't help but cry.  I can remember so vividly holding you for the first time in Plano Medical and here you are walking in front of my eyes to my fiance.  It was a special moment.  Real special.  NOW, you are a walking pro and you walk with the best of them.  Check you out!

So something really neat happened today.  Today was your baby dedication and I couldn't be happier.  What it means to be dedicated is that I as your father, and we as a family are committed to raising you in a Christian home.  One of these days you will get to understand what it means to love and be loved by God and all of our family was there to be with us as we celebrated.  We got you a great new dress, some new shoes, and Crystal always has you in head bands, so we got you a matching one of those as well.  Today was significant and I can't wait until we can talk about all that it means.  Here are some pics from the day.

This is us with Pastor John!

This is a picture your Uncle Kevin took while Pastor John was praying over all of the families and babies that were being dedicated.  We asked your Nana to join us for the prayer and she is praying with us.

Well, honey, so much has changed since the last time I wrote, but one thing remains the same; you are still the joy of my life.  That won't ever change.  I will be writing you again real soon to catch you up on more that has happened over the last few months.  I had tons of fun with you this weekend and I really do already miss you although you only left 3 hours ago.  I know you are resting well right now and I hope you are having super sweet dreams.  Until next time, I love you from here to Pluto, Marlie.

Love,

Daddy