Nearly six years ago, I became your father. When I found out you were coming, I simply wasn't ready. I was in a time of my life where I was lost. Confused. Broken. But I had a nervous excitement that you were on your way. It's difficult to explain how incapable I felt. The devil was telling me I wasn't worthy. And going through some of the roughest times of my life, I was insecure, vulnerable and, at times, I listened. The devil knows when to strike. And he was pounding me with doubt.
Then I held you for the first time on December 16, 2010. I anticipated that once you were in my arms, there would be this feeling of euphoric clarity that would come over me, but it didn't. Here I was holding the little girl that would need me more than anyone else in the world ever would. How would I ever find my way to being the father you deserved? All I wanted was to be the best man you would ever know. That's all.
Although that day didn't go the way I always imagined...it was the day that would change the rest of my life.
The beginning wasn't easy. But I loved you and I did everything in my power to see you as much as I could and spoil you with love and happiness. We found our way though, honey. We really did.
When I first started this blog, it was my way of speaking to you when I didn't see you. There were nights that I would lay in my bed, heartbroken because I hadn't been able to see your face, or hear your voice. I needed a way to talk to you and this blog served that purpose. As time has gone on, I've gotten you more and more and now, our address is your home and we've settled in to a stable, loving life filled with fun and covered in joy. This is why I stopped blogging-because I wanted to honor it's original purpose and not just change it into an album of memories because you are with us all of the time now. This blog is rooted in a pain no man should ever have to endure-the pain of having to fight to see his baby. Looking back though, that pain was all part of the Perfect Plan.
I am writing you tonight to catch you up and because tomorrow is a very, very big day.
Since the last time I wrote you, your little brother Judah has joined our family. You love him so much. And he loves you, too. Sometimes when you leave, he cries because he misses you. And often times when he wakes up, his first words are, "Where's sissy?"...even and especially if you aren't with us. You are the best big sister. Caring, fun, loving, protective. It amazes me the way you care for him at such a young age and nothing else brings me more joy than witnessing it. You two really are best friends. Your mom and I couldn't be more blessed.
We've also moved into a new home where you have a movie theater. We watch a movie nearly every night before you go to sleep and you always request popcorn (I gladly oblige). You and Judah boy also have your own play room where most of your toys are. The house has a big back yard that will have a pool in it and you have so many friends in the neighborhood. You play soccer and golf and take dance and piano lessons. Your favorite food is mac and cheese and you have a sweet tooth. You are so a girly girl (always wanting to wear dresses) and you love Taylor Swift, and "Jesus songs".
You and I are connected at the hip. Wherever I am, you want to be, too and you insist that I put you to sleep. When it's time for night night, your lights have to be a certain way and your worship music has to be on. And once we are settled in, we say the same prayer every night. When we are done and I say "amen", you turn to give me a kiss. Then you grab my shirt to make sure I don't sneak off. I know it's okay to go when you begin to let go. That means you have fallen asleep. If I move before you are asleep, you always say, "one more minute, daddy?" And I lay there until you are dreaming.
I never knew a love like ours existed. It's special. It's ours.
And this brings me to what prompted me to write you tonight. Tomorrow is a very big day in your life. You start kindergarten. I never thought I would have this hard of a time with it, but it's been rough on your old man. Tonight after I prayed, I held you and just let myself tear a bit. You didn't know I was crying at all (you were too excited about the magic confetti that we just put under your pillow. It helps you fall asleep and wake up ready) and I didn't want you to. Even when I pretend cry you can't handle it. And I don't want you to worry that tomorrow is anything other than a wonderful day. Because it is.
So, tomorrow your mommy is coming to our house to have donuts and then all of us are going to take you to your first day of real school. We will be introducing you to a new world and I feel so good about the girl you are heading into it. You are confident, smart, loving, kind, and you are a leader. It amazes me how gentle, but together you are. It's a beautiful thing. And it makes me proud.
Tomorrow begins the path of a life outside of me. Part of me is terrified, but I know this is all part of leading you as you grow up. For a daddy that wants nothing more than to protect you from anything that can hurt you, I will watch you walk into Light Farms Elementary knowing that your feelings will eventually be hurt. You will begin a life that guarantees that you will experience doubt and pain and confusion and betrayal and a whole host of other painful things. But, do you know what? You will also experience joy and happiness and accomplishment and an even longer list of things that are wonderful. The father in me, however, hates the thought that I can no longer protect you from everything. But I also know that you are built to be great, Marlie and as we continue to grow together, you will be more than fine. You will be a powerful gal in the world that has the ability to change it.
I'll cry tomorrow, too. And I'll anxiously await your phone call after school so you can tell me how much fun you had. I want you to one day read this blog and understand something....
I love you, Marlie girl. More than you will ever know. You have brought me so much joy and I think you are just the perfect little girl. I can't believe God chose us for each other. Can you believe it? Of all of the people that could have been your daddy, he chose me. And that's something I will never take for granted. I owe you the world, Marlie. So, I am going to continue to work hard at being the best father and leader I can be because I want to give you the world. I want you to know that I will always be the man you need and deserve me to be. And when life is hurting you, you can always come to the arms of the man that never will. Your laugh, your hugs, your kisses, the way you grip onto me when you have missed me...these are the things for which I live. Not money. Not fame. Nothing other than the love of our family.
Thank you, Marlie. For being so incredible. And before you step foot into the world before you tomorrow...thank you for saving my life by changing my life. You, my little girl, are my everything. And I hope that one day you are as proud of me as I am of you.
Have a great first day of school tomorrow. I love you from here to Pluto, honey.
Love,
Daddy
